A few months ago I did the 23 and Me ancestry/DNA test; six to eight weeks later, the results confirmed that I am Irish enough to be superstitious. Hence why I haven’t written in quite some time. I don’t want to jinx myself.
I am very careful about the thoughts I put out into the Universe because I’ve learned from experience that words have a powerful way of manifesting into reality. And my Fairy Godmother has a very strange sense of humor. While I have yet to find just the right sentiment to conjure a lottery win, I know the power of what you think, feel, and speak.
So for months I have remained essentially mute on digital paper and somewhat recalcitrant in person talking about the newest leg of my journey for fear of disrupting the delicate and finicky nature of Karma, Fate, god or God, whomever is directing this particular show. In fact, instead of writing, that’s what I’ve been doing- shows.
Since last September I have spent an inordinate amount of time being someone else. It has been a welcome change from being being my often-angst ridden self to be the glib and lovely Gwendolen Fairfax, or the glamorous show girl Janet Van de Graaf, or even the witchy but redeemed Polly Harrington and Prudy Pingleton. Memorizing lines, blocking, and dances, honing mannerisms and accents, transforming myself with wigs and makeup and costumes. Having to hold so many things in my head has been a great excuse to not let spend a lot of time in my own head rummaging around in Courtney-ness, thus not letting my thoughts out to wander unsupervised on their own.
So it’s only appropriate that on August 17, I will pack away Prudy, my summer role, back into trunks and storage racks, in exchange for a role I haven’t played in years: Ms. Vashaw, Humanities teacher.
Exactly how and why did I get this part? Thanks to some great new supplements, I’ve been able to have the most “normal feeling” stretch I’ve had since before my diagnosis. I have energy again (most days). I always said if I was really going to go back to teaching, it would be middle school; and sure enough, that’s the position that opened up at my wife’s school this spring, just as I started to feel well enough to take a chance. So starting with in-service on August 16, I will be a new teacher again.
I’ve played this role before, but I know well from past experience that even a familiar role can look strikingly different the second or third time around. Just like a new theatre or director brings new nuances, costumes, and sets to every play, a new school means a new culture, new kids and parents, new rules and regulations, state mandates and buzz words.
I am a very different me from the person I was two years ago or ten years ago. I think this is what scares me the most. In my previous teacher life, I was the “there early, stay late, advise, coach, go to everything” teacher. I worked at home at night, on the weekends, and over the summer. I had to design my own curriculum at every school, starting virtually from scratch, building resources, writing grants. I rocked it.
Now I’m worried about catching some ick that my body can’t handle or being able to stay functional and awake all day. I took a part-time teaching job last October, working with at-risk teenagers. I loved it, but I didn’t talk about it much because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep doing it, that my body simply wasn’t up to. I pushed through until January, when our semester ended, but then had to scale back and work on curriculum from home. I spent an inordinate amount of time in the winter and spring going to PT, researching supplements, exploring and testing, and napping. I’ve come a long way since then, but my body no longer plays by any established set of rules, so every day is unpredictable. But since there have been more good than bad over the past two months, I’m hopeful. So very hopeful.
So, Universe, I’m putting it out there. I will be a teacher again. I’m looking for the strength and energy to help nurture and excite young minds, the creativity and resourcefulness to open their worlds and their hearts, and the time to share myself with them, but also with by family. I want to be great, but I will settle for healthy and good. I want this to work. I’m perfect for the part.
And Fairy Godmother, a really good sale on Sharpies, dry erase markers, and sticky notes would be great, too. :)
